Advanced Coaching Questions
Motivational Questions for trust-building conversations
The “5 Stages” model is based on motivational interviewing and coaching frameworks that balance empathy and advanced listening skills to support positive change in others. In this blog, I focus on questions helpful for feedback conversations, but they’re easy to translate to many types of convos.
How to use these questions:
Step 1: Be attentive and curious, which stage might this person be at (see below for more on each “stage”)? Then, ask open questions aligned with their stage.
Stage 1: Totally disagree with you that they should change _______, .
Stage 2: Maybe I agree with you? I’m not sure.
Stage 3: I agree I should change_________, but how would I/we make this work?
Stage 4: Successful agreement and collaboration on how this change will happen.
Stage 5: Maintenance stage — I’ve been making the behavioral changes for awhile, and now must work on maintaining momentum and motivation through this process (which requires continuing a connection with my purpose for this change).
Step 2: Reflect their answers back throughout the conversation — show them that you’re really taking in what they say, respect their autonomy and value their priorities. See below for more tips on using these questions.
COACHING QUESTIONS ORGANIZED BY STAGES OF CHANGE-READINESS
Stage 1: When there’s complete disagreement on the feedback (or for any other reason they are not ready to change):
Do not force them to talk about next steps yet. Instead make room for them to share their frustration as well as to explore how the feedback relates to their short or long-term goals:
How are you feeling about this? -- or -- Share more about how ___ is feeling?
How would you like things to be different? -- or-- What do you wish happened next?
What do you think will be lost or what’s the risk if we honor or incorporate this feedback?
How do you think others are feeling about this? What do you think [other party] wants from this situation? [reflect back to check how it sounds to them]
We are often most triggered when something threatens our sense of belonging in our group, or a sense of progress, or fairness, do any of these resonate for you about this?
What do you want people to say when I ask them - “What’s it like working with Sam?” (validate their answer by reflecting it back) -- how does this feedback line up with that?
I hear you saying your goal is _________, and we also know that ___ is important for you. What could you do that would allow you to reach both goals?
Suppose we don’t do anything about this, just totally ignore it as an issue, what is the impact it could have on your career or work relationships?
When was the first time this issue came up for you? [prompt deeper, go back to first instance in their life, not just with the more immediate situation]
If you had to rate where this situation is at, with 1 being “HORRIBLE WORST THING EVER”, and 10 being “SUPER AMAZING RAD YES”, where would you say it is?
[reflect back] Where would you guess ____(the other person) would rate it?
Stage 2: If they’re considering the feedback, but are unsure, or are not yet 100% ready to commit to change:
Make room to explore the options and to gather more data. Give them time to mull these over on their own.
What 1 or 2 things do you wish you had more direction or clarification about this?
We’ve talked about how ___and ___ are critical for __[goal]__, which of the two do you feel would be most game changing to work on first?
What feels the hardest & easiest about each option?
Let’s focus for a bit on what has been working -- when has it felt better, like you were making progress? [reflect back answer] What small things made that possible?
If we said we just needed this to get better by 20% each month - just 20%-- what small steps could you/we take to achieve that -- in ways that don’t feel exhausting?
So we know this happens during _________, if you have to guess, what might folks wish you did instead in those situations? [reflect back their answer] How do you feel about trying that out?
I agree that knowing more about ___________ would be helpful, how can we find out more specifics on this so you know exactly what to change, how to change, without sacrificing your standards?
What are things you see others doing to explore career options?
On a scale of 1 to 5, how confident do you feel about this right now? What would it take to move your confidence from a _ to a __?
Let’s reverse engineer that, what are the steps needed to make sure you feel good about changing ____?
Stage 3: When they’re ready for action but need confidence or motivation:
Clarify weekly behaviors they’ll be experimenting with, and clarify exactly when and how they’ll get feedback and check-ins along the way.
On a scale of 1 to 5, how confident do you feel about this right now?
How will you know you’ve made progress, the kind of progress you’ll feel really good about?
If you had to pick 2 -3 actions to do this week to kick momentum off, what would you pick?
Why those? [reflect back and affirm]What would make those action items even easier, more likely to work or happen?
If you had to rate where you want to be next time we check in, where you like it to be?
When would you like to check back in -- so you get a chance to debrief about how it’s going?
What feedback will you need to know you’re on the right track? From whom? How can we be sure you get that feedback?
Stage 4: When they’ve been taking action and you want to maintain their momentum and confidence:
Keep tracking progress on any new behavior or experiments, do not presume they no longer need support.
What’s been going well, what do you wish would have gone better?
When it got hard, what made it possible to get through it?
Here are two things I’ve noticed are huge improvements/wins/ you really nailed, how did those feel for you?
Are you open to feedback [confirm they are] you can totally take this or leave it, but one thing I wonder could go even better next time is _______, what do you think?
When we first spoke, you said you felt the situation was at a ___, and you wanted it to be at a ____, where are you feeling it’s at now?
You were not sure you could do______, how has it felt to have made this progress?
PRO TIPS FOR USING THESE QUESTIONS
1) Open Questions: Do not accidentally phrase these questions as closed questions, for example: “How are you feeling about this?” is not the same as “Are you happy with how things are going?”. Open questions invite others to “tell their story” in their own words without leading them in a specific direction. Note: open questions only work if your tone and body language honestly convey that you are curious and non-judgmental about whatever their answer might be.
2) Affirmations: Open questions require also being skilled with affirmation. These are statements and gestures that recognize their experience, their strengths and acknowledge their values. Affirmations make the person feel whole and seen. Examples of affirming responses:
“I appreciate that you are willing to talk this through”
”I can tell how much _____ matters to you, I want to honor that in our troubleshooting”
”I imagine this has been hard, and I can tell how much you’re trying to make this work”
”I appreciate your ability to consider this in addition to the other priorities I know you’re also managing.”
3) Reflective Listening: Reflective listening is meant to close the loop in communication and ensure breakdowns don’t occur, and can start with the basic:
“So you feel…/ It sounds like you… / You’re wondering if… . “
There are three basic levels of reflective listening that deepen or increase rapport:
- Repeating or rephrasing: The listener repeats or substitutes synonyms or phrases, and stays close to what the speaker has said
- Paraphrasing: The listener makes a restatement in which the speaker’s meaning is inferred
- Reflection of feeling: The listener emphasizes emotional aspects of what the person may be trying to convey. This is the deepest form of listening.
4) Zooming out: Zooming out helps to ensure that there is clear communication and can provide a stepping stone towards change. Begin with a statement indicating you are making a summary. For example: “Let me see if I understand so far…/ Here is what I’ve heard. Tell me if I’ve missed anything”
5) End with an invitation. For example: “Did I miss anything? / If that’s accurate, what other points are there to consider? / Anything you want to add or correct?”
Learn more with books like the Coaching Habit, MI Lead, or sign up for 1on1 coaching with me if you’d like more tailored support.
MORE FEEDBACK-GIVING FAQs
What’s the best ratio for positive/negative feedback?
It depends on the research study, but a safe ratio is six to one: six positive feedback statements to each critique. Note however that this is not about delivering them all in one sitting: it’s best to give feedback throughout the week and month and maintain an overall general six to one ratio. People respond better to feedback that is given in a timely way, so do not “wait and dump” a whole ton of feedback once a quarter. Note also that positive feedback is not just glowing reviews of what they’re doing an amazing job at. It also includes acknowledging where they’re putting in effort, appreciating where they’ve taken risks or experimented with new things, as well as affirming their priorities or values.What’s the right frequency for feedback?
At least once a quarter is a safe guideline, but always ask your report at what frequency they prefer feedback, as it will go a lot better if it’s at their preference (for their own brain and motivation). If you disagree with their preference, be sure to hear them out why, as this will help you get to know them better. For example, they might be working with ADHD and too frequent or too infrequent feedback sessions might be cognitively overwhelming.What’s the right medium for feedback?
The general rule is that the more intense you anticipate their emotional response may be to the feedback, the more that you should choose synchronous mediums, such as a phone call, a video call, or in-person. A safe guideline is that you can use asynchronous mediums (Slack, email) to give frequent positive feedback or appreciations, or for small, tactical critiques (“let’s delete slide 21” or “Would you edit the client summary down to one page?”). Lastly, if the only time you have one-on-ones is when you drop negative feedback on them, they will learn to dread one-on-ones. Be sure you have recurring, predictably scheduled one-on-ones to check in with them on BICEPS, to gather their feedback about you or the department, and to answer their questions. Read more on best practices for one-on-ones.
Here’s a pdf handout that provides coaching questions to support people at the first through fourth stage (the ones most tough conversations are often at) in a format that can be used by managers and coaches alike.