When feedback is hard
A question I often get is how to manage feedback that is incredibly triggering, scary, or frustrating to receive, so below is a Five Day Guide for how to support your whole mind and heart through the process. If you have questions on any of these steps, reach out to me - happy to elaborate! If you’re feeling on a roll and want to tackle two day’s worth of exercises, that’s ok, but pace yourself, time in between exercises usually helps your brain and heart more than white-knuckling your way through it.
Day 1:
Take two deep breaths before proceeding - the science is on your side that without deeper breathing, your vagus nerve (our calming mechanism) cannot engage, which means your amygdala will not calm down, and thus your PFC (your rational brain) cannot perform well. So do not move to step two until you have down two breaths, each one slightly deeper than the previous one, whatever that may mean for you.
If you are in a private space, give a big audible siiiigh as you exhale - this is even more impactful for engaging your vagus nerve. I’ve been known to go to my car (with the excuse that I need to grab something) and really I just sit there and sigh loud and audible and let the feeling I’m feeling come out through that sigh. I sound like I’m practicing for a role as a ghost, but no one can hear me so, whatever :)
Repeat these two deep breaths before or after each exercise below, I promise it helps a toooon.
Then, when you’re ready:
Get pen and paper (if you can write with your hand, do this instead of typing) and take at least 5 minutes to answer this question truthfully (you can burn the paper later if you want :):
Which BICEPS might be feeling threatened upon hearing this feedback? What feelings come up just thinking about it?
Write everything you need to write down about this, just do a total messy brain dump, this is critical before the next step.
Day 2: Make three columns on your paper, and on the first column, write down your answer to this:
What are my larger goals or priorities here? How do I want others to see me/be impacted by me, and/or what impact do I want to say I have in the larger picture?
You can answer this however you want, it can be your goals at work, your career priorities, or the feedback is in the realm of your personal life, it can be about what kind of daughter, partner, roommate, friend, etc you want to say you where. This is not what others want you to be. This is all about you. You get to set your priorities/your goals/ what you want to look back and say you were/did.
Then, when you’re ready: Write down your answer in the next column:
Which part of this feedback, if I find a way to integrate some or all of it, might help me reach those goals or move towards being that person I wish to be?
You are not yet agreeing or disagreeing with the feedback here, you are just considering which may help, should you in the future decide to consider it or take action on that feedback. Feel free to add notes, be messy here too — you’re just processing, not making decisions yet about anything.
Day 3: Write down in the next column:
Which parts of this feedback are just too hard right now to process or feel clear-headed about?
Often the person who gave us the feedback or our own brain feels this urgency for us to just integrate EVERYTHING they said, but we cannot fight our brain and heart, and it’s often healthy to acknowledge if either needs just a little break from thinking about some part of the feedback. At some point or other, we all will hear feedback that some part of it will be a straight, sharp-ass dagger seemingly perfectly designed just to slice through our heart. It’s ok. It simply means there’s something deep, deep in our history or sense of self that this touches. Give yourself the time, put it in this column and know that later you can come to it (see the steps below for that).
Then, write down in the final column:
Which parts of this feedback I can put on the back burner?,
This seems like a trick question, especially if the feedback came from a supervisor or someone with authority vibes, but the honest truth is that this is your fucking life. One of the quick ways to overwhelm your brain and heart is by treating it like it has no choice at all, like it’s just a slave to others’ wishes and opinions. It is not. In this private space, give yourself the opportunity to claim your own damn opinion. Look at your answers from Day 2, and think about what parts of the feedback are not aligned with your goals and priorities right now. For example, I once I had someone give me all kinds of feedback in one blow, but in making my columns, I realized the part of the feedback that I needed to stick closer to the instructions I was given and not veer off script was simply not aligned with my larger goals to be a leader one day and become a consultant. In both of those goals, I needed to know when to veer off the fucking script to innovate and provide better plans, and I needed more experience with this, so I put that part in this column. I would have to figure out how to navigate this or negotiate it, but I didn’t have to agree to prioritize it.
Day 4: Make sure you’ve had time to let your answers from the previous exercises simmer a bit, it helps your whole brain approach the next questions with the most clarity. When you’re ready, write down:
Which parts of the feedback does it most make sense to prioritize this quarter, and which parts the following quarter, etc?
One of the most magical things we can do is realize that all the feedback that matters can be put on a timeline, that it doesn’t (and shouldn’t) be tackled all at once. This will help your brain realize it has another choice: not just which feedback to create an action plan about, but in what order, and how far apart (knowing we’re managing maaaany other things as well).
Who can I talk to get their thoughts on this, including any risks, pros and cons of prioritizing one or deprioritizing another part of it?
Think of mentors, colleagues you admire, your manager if you have a good relationship with them, coaches, therapists, friends who are excellent listeners, etc.
Day 5: Write down:
What are the next 5 tiniest steps to move forward on integrating or getting more information I need to incorporate the feedback I’ve prioritized?
By tiny steps, I mean micro-tasks :)
Have questions? Reach out!